


Broken Mirror - (Minhyuk ft. Changkyun)

by smoshyphantrash



Series: Monsta X Imagines [18]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mentioned Lee Jooheon, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Suicide, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-29
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-06-18 03:28:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15476670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smoshyphantrash/pseuds/smoshyphantrash
Summary: The boys are left to deal with Jooheon's suicide.





	Broken Mirror - (Minhyuk ft. Changkyun)

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: Continuation of Mirror - (Jooheon × Minhyuk). Depression, flashbacks, suicidal thoughts, etc. mention of child abuse

We stood by, watching firefighters get lowered down the side of the bridge into the water to look for Jooheon. I couldn't stop watching, praying he'd be alive some how. "Which one of you is his significant other?" A paramedic asked. I raised my hand, tears starting to fall again. "You should probably look away now." He was dead. Really dead. They wouldn't tell me that if he wasn't dead. I shook my head, refusing to turn away. 

Then I realized I should have. "Come on," Changkyun said. "Let's go..."

I shook my head again as I looked toward the firefighters lifting Jooheon's body up back over the rail. "23 year old male, time of death, 9:02 PM." I looked down, tears refusing to stop falling. The firefighter was only relaying information to the paramedic, but it still felt like he was pointing out the obvious directly to me. "Cause of death, suicide by jumping... Body hit the river bank rocks before entering the water." Not only was he dead, Jooheon's body looks like one of those gag skeletons you get around Halloween time.

My breathing began to shake in shock. "Changkyun, take me home..." I mumbled. "You have your license right? If you don't, you do tonight. I don't trust myself to drive." Changkyun grabbed my shoulder as I looked at him slowly. "I may hate you for what you did to him, but you don't deserve to die." That gave Changkyun a sense of urgency. 

"Okay," He said, ushering me to the car. "Shh, it's o-"

I immediately snapped at him. "Don't even fucking begin to say this is okay. It's not okay. Nothing about this is okay!" I yelled. "My motherfucking boyfriend just killed himself a week before our anniversary... When I planned on proposing to him." Changkyun froze in his place. "The ring is in his nightstand drawer that he will never open again and see the token of my love. He'll never be mine again. And you're about to fucking tell me it's okay? No, it's not. So shut the fuck up!" I stumbled back a bit as I got lightheaded and almost passed out.

Changkyun opened the door and let me get in. I held my head in my lap, crying hard. I couldn't save him, no matter how hard I tried to. My chest hurt, my head hurt, my everything hurt. I couldn't breathe. When he jumped I felt myself get punched in the gut. I prayed to whatever deity I could that someone could save him. I wanted to jump with him, but Changkyun held me too tightly.

We rode back to mine and Jooheon's place... What used to be mine and Jooheon's place. As soon as I walked in, I burst into tears again. The house always smelled like him. "Is there anyone you want to talk to? I know I'm not your number one candidate," Changkyun took my jacket off of me.

"Just..." I shook my head. "Stay here." I went into the bedroom, grabbing my laptop. "I'm calling Kihyun on FaceTime." Changkyun sat with me as I did so. Seven years of being friends with him and no one figured him out. One minute he was being a big teddy bear. The next, a little shit.

"Hey, Minhyuk!" Kihyun smiled. God, everyone was with him. His boyfriend who was alive and well, Hyunwoo, Hoseok and his well and alive boyfriend, Hyungwon. They were all about to see the fragile side of me. Nothing ever seen before. Everyone offered their greetings to me.

I smiled weakly. "Hey guys," I whispered, looking down into my lap.

"Hey, what's wrong bud?" Hyunwoo asked.

I shrugged. "Nothing," I lied terribly.

"Something's wrong," Hyungwon said. "Changkyun's there. And not Jooheon."

Kihyun's face dropped slightly as he realizes who was next to me. "Minhyuk, where's Jooheon?" He asked. "Did you guys break up?" Everyone was invested now.

"You could say that," I said, tears welling up in my eyes. "It wasn't my choice..." 

Hoseok shook his head. "That's not what happened. Minhyuk, where's Jooheon?" Changkyun bit his lip preparing to speak.

I stopped him. "He... He k-" I burst into tears again, throwing my head into my hands. "He killed himself tonight!" I screamed, tears flowing with no end in sight.

"Oh my God..." Kihyun mumbled. I heard someone get up. I glanced up to see that it was Hyungwon. Makes sense, they were the best of friends.

I held my stomach tightly as I cried. "Oh fuck," I coughed, standing up and running to the bathroom. I began throwing up. The entire situation was making me sick.

"Changkyun, what happened?" Hyunwoo asked.

Changkyun sighed. "Minhyuk can tell you everything before tonight. But he came to my house, asking me about why I did what I did to him. Then confessed to me and kissed me, then after I rejected him, left."

I sniffled, wiping my chin free of tears. "He just broke!" I was in hysterics. I couldn't speak without screaming, I couldn't look at anyone. I couldn't do anything. "H-He... I came home one day about three months ago and I come upstairs to the bathroom and the counter is drenched in blood, the floor had blood splatters on it, his arms were streaked red. All I could do was hold him. He was in shock, either from blood loss or from the fact that he broke, hell maybe from both. He apologized to me and I told him..." The tears poured as I remember what I told him. Things that ended up being lies. "No, stop apologizing. You're okay. Ten months. Ten months, that's the longest you've ever made it since you started. You've done amazing so far and you had a relapse," I said. He made it ten months and that was it, that was all he could stand. "I'm not mad at you. I don't hate you. I'm not leaving you. We'll get through this." That's when I really lost it.  I screamed out, in tears, scaring Changkyun a bit as he jumped. "We didn't get through it! I lied to him. I fucking lied!" My hands found their way to my hair and I pulled, hard. 

"Stop," Changkyun said, trying to get me to let go. I shook my head. He struggled a bit before digging his fingers into my wrists. "You, are not going to blame yourself for what he did tonight, do you understand me?" He yelled, trying to break through to me.

It didn't work. I shook my head. "So fucking easy for you to say, you sadistic bastard!" I yelled back. "You didn't give a damn about the broken man you left behind, don't fucking talk to me about blame. I should fucking blame you."

I pulled my arms from Changkyun, holding myself. "We're heading there right now, okay? We might get in around three," Kihyun said as Hyunwoo got up, probably telling Hyungwon and beginning to pack up a bit. "That's six hours. Changkyun's not going to let you hurt yourself, do you understand me?" I nodded, looking down at the floor. "Look me in the eye and promise me," Kihyun said.

My eyes drifted up to the camera. "I can't necessarily look you in the eye," I chuckled a bit. "But I promise." After I made my promise, we hung up on FaceTime.

"I do blame myself," Changkyun spoke up. "I ruined him. There's not a day that goes by that I don't regret it." I sighed softly, standing up and going to the kitchen. 

I didn't want to be near him. I would've hurt him. "You aren't the only cause, but you're a big part of it. He never stopped wondering why he wasn't enough for you." I began looking around the kitchen. It was the last place Jooheon was before he left the house. I found what I was looking for on the counter, hidden in the mail. "Oh my God," I mumbled. I opened the note, beginning to read it aloud:

Minhyuk,   
You'll find this letter first and I'm sorry that you will have to. That night at the bar, you saved me. You really did. But even I knew that wouldn't be long. You helped me more than you know. You're not a cause of this. Kihyun, Hyungwon, Hyunwoo and Hoseok aren't either. Don't blame yourself. You overcame your struggles to the best of your abilities and I looked up to that. But we weren't the same. I accepted that and you have to as well.

Changkyun,  
You? You aren't the sole cause. But you took all of my insecurities and pushed them back in my face. Instead of telling me otherwise, you aided in training me to hate myself. I was never enough for anyone. You proved that to me. I wasn't good enough for someone who swore on their life, up and down, left and fucking right, that I was enough for them. If I was, you wouldn't have cheated. You wouldn't have made the tiniest little bitchy remarks that slowly added up to push me past the breaking point. You'd isolate me. You'd act out in front of me, being a fucking manwhore to any and everyone at the club, you'd flirt with any and everyone and be pissed off when I'd tell you I was uncomfortable. Remember that one time, we went out and some guy hit on me while you hit up people elsewhere? Yeah, he was harassing me. He could tell I wasn't straight and assumed that just because I wasn't, I'd love another man, who wasn't my boyfriend, talking his game and feeling me up. Since apparently liking your same sex is a fetish. And I found you and asked to leave and we got home and you slapped me... You knew my past and you used that against me. Don't you ever dare say you loved me. When my funeral day comes, literally everyone has permission to cuss you the fuck out if you even attempt to speak like you loved me and like you care about me dying. If suicidal people go to hell, I wonder where you'll end up. Because I definitely don't want to see you while I'm down here.

Eomma,  
I just want to know why. And I know I never will, so you can just answer to whoever you think will forgive you so you can live guilt free. Drugs took my mother away from me. Drugs were more important than me. Is that why you dealer boyfriend could beat me whenever he didn't want to kill a customer for fucking him over? He was an evil man and I remember begging him to leave me alone. Begging you to leave him. Remember when you overdosed and I couldn't wake you up? Or the time you were only high and I was slapping you in the face to wake up you? Screaming at you? It's what I did the first time. Remember all our arguments and how it was your life or mine? There I was screaming at you to get clean and there he was, gun in his hand ready to kill me. And you did nothing as he fired a "warning shot". You cried when I came back to you. Why? You didn't care about me enough to keep me from leaving the first time. Crying wasn't going to stop me any other time. That man punished me for not being straight. I never knew if you cared about that either. I hope you leave him eventually. Or kill him. I really don't care. Can't care when you're dead.

Hyungwon,  
We went through hell and back, buddy. We really did. Hoseok was always good for you, okay? He won't cheat or anything. Just don't cut a bitch over him. Jail ain't worth it. Thank you for being my best friend through it all. Thank you for helping me out when I left my mom. We made bad choices as well. You are impressionable. So please, don't do anything harder than weed or Hoseok. I can't protect you. 

I'm sorry to everyone except Changkyun and my mother. You're the only ones I'm actually worried about hurting. You don't deserve this and you didn't deserve me. It's better this way. I lost my way and I couldn't find it again. I'm sorry. On the bright side, the man in the mirror on the wall stopped laughing at me.

Everyone read the letter except for his mother. We weren't looking for her yet. As soon as Hyungwon finished it, he walked over to me and threw his arms around me as he cried. "I know," I mumbled. "He's not hurting anymore, okay? That's what I'm holding on to. He's not hurting anymore."

Kihyun looked at Changkyun. "Did he give us the abridged version? How much more pain did you cause him?" He asked. Changkyun had be silent for hours, staring blankly at the ceiling. He started to mumble something but stopped talking. "Can't fucking hear you, speak up." Kihyun was pissed. This is it. The fight a family has after someone dies.

"A lot," he said clearly. He didn't take his eyes off of the ceiling. "I beat him," he admitted. "It wasn't just that one time. He either forgot, blacked out while it happened or tried to keep some of my secrets. But I did. It was often." 

Hyungwon looked at him. "I knew about a lot of those times, you know. He ran to me a lot. I wanted to hurt you but he was too damn nice. Don't you feel some fucking remorse?" He asked.

Changkyun took off his jacket, standing up. "Yes, ok? I fucking do. And I have for years now." It was clear that me, Hyungwon and Changkyun were the ones to watch out for. Oftentimes, someone else attempts suicide after someone's successful. "This? Look at this." Changkyun walked into the light. "This was from the anxiety attack I had before calling you. I tried to hit a pressure point to calm me down and instead I clawed my arm to death." I put his arm down and grabbed onto him for a bit.

"This," I said. "This argument isn't important right now." I started to take him to the bathroom upstairs before remembering who he was and who he wasn't. "Uhm... Hy-Hyunwoo, will you take him upstairs and wash his arm?" I asked, letting go of him. I wiped my tears away and sighed softly. "So, how do we go about his funeral and talking to his mom? I definitely don't have the money for any of this..."

Kihyun sighed. "We can figure that out, a payment plan, something. But we should call her," he nodded.

I went to the front door, grabbing my jacket. They gave me Jooheon's phone. He left it in the car. I shook as I pressed my thumb to the homescreen. I scrolled through his contacts. All eight of them. The six of us, his boss, his mom. I dialed her number, placing the phone on the table. I tapped the speaker phone and exhaled as Kihyun pulled me into a hug. "Jooheon?" His mom asked. I broke down into tears again, covering my mouth to avoid her hearing them. "Baby, where are you? I-I miss you." She said. She sounded as if she was crying.

I put the phone on mute. "I can't break her heart," I said, letting out my tears.

"Minhyuk," Kihyun sighed, putting his hand on my shoulder.

I shook my head. "No!" I yelled. "He is someone's son! How the fuck do you tell the woman whose life lives on in her son that he's gone?" Kihyun shushed me as he took her off of mute.

He cleared his throat. "Hello, Ms. Lee? This is Kihyun, I'm a friend of Jooheon's." I let go of Kihyun and walked over to Hyungwon, where we embraced each other.

"Oh," she sighed softly. "Oh, hi, Kihyun. Where's Jooheon?"

Kihyun looked up at us all. He didn't want to be the one to do it either. "Uhm... Ms. Lee, unfortunately last night, Jooheon passed away. Uhm, he passed away at 9:02 PM." Silence. It sounded like she died. 

Suddenly, she began laughing. "That's rich, I'd probably die before him. Where is he?" She asked.

Kihyun gave up, he couldn't do it again. "Ms. Lee," Hoseok sighed. "This is another friend of Jooheon's... He really did pass away last night. I'm so sorry," he said.

"Nice prank, guys," she laughed. "Where's my son?" She asked again.

I wiped my tears, stepping to the table. "Why would your son even think to call you?" I asked. "Hmm? Why would he even consider it?" 

I was being harsh but I felt like there was no other way to help her see. "And who are you?" She asked.

"I'm yo-" I stopped myself. "I was your son's boyfriend. The man he came home to every night. Except he didn't come home to me last night. I watched as he fell off a bridge and fell to his death, Ms. Lee. None of this is a prank. I'd love for this to be a prank. I'd love nothing more than to have him walk out of our bedroom and come to his phone and say to you, 'Hey, Mom. I'm fine.' Because if he did, then I'd know I'd be seeing him another day. And he'd be my fiancé another day. And he'd be on his way to becoming my husband and I could spend the rest of my life with him. Oh, how I wish this was a prank." I wiped my tears, not even aware of the waterfalls pouring from my eyes. "This isn't a prank. Why would your son ever call you, ma'am?" I exhaled.

That was what got her to see. "Oh my God," she mumbled. "What happened?" She asked.

Hyungwon decided to speak up. "He uhm... He killed himself. He jumped off of a bridge. He left a note... And you're in it." I passed him the note. "Would you like me to read it to you?" She agreed and allowed him to read her the entire thing.

"Uhm, wow..." She said. "I don't have much to give him... I left money in his college fund, despite the use of the rest of it. It might pay for half of everything... I can get the rest of it. No matter what happens to me, he deserved better. And i didn't protect him with my last dying breath. So I can at least give him a proper farewell, even if it kills me."

I nodded, clearing my throat. "Okay, thank you..." I said. "And Ms. Lee? I can get you out," I offered. Deep down, Jooheon wanted his mother away from that man. Safe and away from him. 

I heard her chuckle. "Thank you, but, I'll be fine." After a few more discussion points, we hung up. We all just kind of grieved together in a group, in increments.

A few months went by. Kihyun, Hyunwoo, Hoseok and Hyungwon couldn't leave, even after Jooheon's funeral. His funeral was lovely, a nice turnout, no one had anything bad to say about him. I decided to put his ring on him before we buried him. Jooheon was still forever mine. He just moved away. I wasn't able to get to him yet.

Changkyun stayed with me while everyone else moved into a house next door. I missed Jooheon on a daily. And every night out with the guys ended up with me bawling my eyes out as someone noticed my wedding ring, complimented my looks, or seemed to show interest in me at all.

I was never the same and my own demons resurfaced. The boys moved near me so there was rarely a chance for me to be alone to try anything. I couldn't lie and say it never crossed my mind. I wanted him by my side so back. I looked at myself in the mirror and swore it was broken. I was broken. I never stopped seeing everything unfold in front of me. And all I wanted was Jooheon. Then my pain would end. I couldn't put our friends through everything again. And I just imagined Jooheon being so upset to see me, because I left before I was meant to. Something felt unfinished to me.

"Good evening everyone," I smiled, looking at my group for the night. "We'll start off tonight by explaining how this goes. This is a safe space for any and everyone. Abuse victims, depression victims, addicts, and suicide survivors. You're here for a reason. And you deserve a chance. I lost my boyfriend to suicide and shortly after, I tried as well. As you can see, I failed. It's like he told me that I wasn't done yet. That I had more to do. And that's why I put my degree to use, raised money and opened this center for troubled people. You can share as much or as little as you want. You're safe here. And we will end tonight by naming a reason why not. One reason why you should stay. One reason why you should continue to fight. Alright? Let's get started. I'll start to the left of me, just state your name." Every Thursday night, the Lee Jooheon Therapy Center held a group therapy session by the founder, me, Lee Minhyuk. And it was always sunny when we met. Like Jooheon was telling me he was proud of me. I was proud of him. He held out for as long as he could and he fought hard. I'd go home to him eventually, but until then, I'd chosen to fix the broken mirror.

**Author's Note:**

> It'$ 5:40 AM I have been up for 21 hours and uhm yeah so if nothing mskes sense and also i havent finished tsgs do good luxky but i'm abojt to crash tf.


End file.
